I broke my own cardinal rule recently, and was immediately punished for it. Always keep your car door locked. It was such an innocent mistake. I was just running into the grocery store to pick up a bottle of liquor as a gift before my friends birthday party—five minutes!!—maybe not even, and…I left the car unlocked. In a good neighborhood. Well-lit parking lot.

I didn’t even notice it that night, but the next morning, when I went out for a casual drive, reached for my sunglasses—and they weren’t there. “That’s weird” said I. They are always here. And then I start checking around. And I notice things are all messed up.

My CDs look all jumbled, the faceplate on my CD player was jiggling like someone had fucked with it, and there was a bunch of shit from my glove compartment on the floor. And here was the kicker: I look down…and all the loose change in my console was gone. Damnit! That was my meter money, you bum! And it was painfully clear—I’d been robbed.

So I pulled my sexy ride over to the side of the road, and began what everyone does in that situation: Status check…

- They didn’t steal my CD player or the faceplate—even though they had clearly fucked with it. Most likely because it’s a hunk of shit from 1990 that’s worth less than the space it takes up.

- They didn’t steal anything of worth from the glove compartment. Maybe a map or two, but I have no idea. Who actually knows what the fuck is in their glove compartment anyway?

- My change was missing, which I was upset about. And the worst part was, they didn’t even take the pennies. They just left them! Come on, how homeless are you if you’re going to be picky about the change?

- They stole my sunglasses. Which by far was the most upsetting and expensive thing that was taken. Those were my pimp shades. And probably the first pair of sunglasses I’ve ever owned that was worth more than $5.

- And I saved the best for last. This actually almost made the whole thing worth it. I went through my CDs, and I found one was gone. Just one. And I swear this is true… It was my Fun Lovin’ Criminals album. (Yeah, the old one with “Scooby Snacks” on it). You ironic bastard! How dare you rob me and make it hilarious at the same time! The balls on that guy. What bum even steals a CD? Does a homeless person have the technology to even enjoy such a thing?

All in all, honestly, it could have been much worse. Beside my shades, it wasn’t the worst robbery I’ve ever seen. And the robbing of my Fun Loving Criminals album was a delicious bite of irony cake.

So, if you see a homeless person wearing hot-for-the-streets shades, playing quarters, and rockin’ out to Scooby Snacks—do me a favor and suckerpunch him. And take it all back. That shit belongs to me.