This entry comes from a buddy of mine in Maine, who wrote me this email early one morning. He’s a construction manager–a good job, but one that lacks many of the amenities we all take for granted.

Now…I live in California, so sometimes I forget how cold it gets in certain places. Let this serve as horrifying reminder. It’s cold in Maine.

“Basically, I always try to shit at home before i get to work because i hate shitting in port-a-potties. I dunno, there’s just something about sitting in a 5×5 plastic coffin that turns me off. Maybe the names have something to do with it–“Port-o-John” or “Shitter For Hire”—they’re just not inviting. Well, that…plus the herpes and urine that covers the walls…

As you can imagine, I drank one or two beers last night and despite my best effort to shit my brains out at home, apparently i was not running on empty yet. And let me tell you, I pushed like a 9 month pregnant woman to get that turd loose. But it wasn’t coming out, and a C-section wasn’t an available option.

So I go into work. Of course, as soon as I get there, I had to shit. Its like 3 degrees here to by the way. So i assume the position (the “shitters squat”–legs at right angles…ladies, you know what I’m talking about), which is difficult to do in a port-a-potty –and proceed to shit like a photon laser cannon. Now because my ass is suspended so high above the toilet it was difficult to control the final destination of Spiderman’s brown web. Much like OJ Simpson, my actions lacked all forethought and were illegal in most states. I blasted it out like a confetti-maker, and had not-a one regret. Not a problem though, I wiped, and i was good to go.

Now here’s where things get hairy. I turn around and I notice two things: Copious amounts of steam rising from the abyss below and a plethora of splatter on the seat. Now, I’m no asshole. I know proper port-a-potty etiquette. So I go to wipe up the carnage…

And I realize it’s too late…because it is completely frozen. The shit had turned into ice. So I did what any gentleman in that situation would do.

I left it there, and came out of the Port-o-Potty in a rage, screaming “I can’t believe you guys! For god sakes, some one left shit all over the seat! HAVE SOME MANNERS!”

As they looked at one another like vultures searching for the weak link, I patted myself on the back for my impeccable wit. It’s not every day you can blame fellow employees for the mess you made. Especially if it’s a cryogenically frozen mess. But today was special. My poop froze so I know it was special.

So that’s how my day started. i’ll see you this weekend.”

Submitted by MonopolyMasterG
Edited and Elongated by Pizzaman