I think it’s hard for people outside of the Entertainment business to understand exactly what it’s like to try and be an actor in this town. So many people move out here with the dream of hitting it big, getting that big break — becoming a movie star.

Then they come out to Los Angeles. Where they see literally millions of beautiful people, all with similar ambitions. Everyone wants to be an actor out here. Every waiter, waitress, bartender, shoe salesman, dick fluffer, and Starbucks barista. And it’s the same with writers, directors, producers… Everyone’s an aspiring something.

And why not? This is the place to be. But enough about that. I’m writing today more about the process…since so many people fail to realize that there is one. Most people think you just come out here and start auditioning. But even getting to that point takes work.

So, how do you even get to that stage? How do you separate yourself above the crop of doodyfaces and overly-dramatic actor-types? You know the type–they cry when they stub their toe, and fake laugh even though they came into the conversation way too late to know what’s going on. How do you compete? (more…)

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I was in the supermarket the other day, and I saw the most interesting thing. I was walking behind this sweet old lady, pushing my cart. The two of us, just strolling down the fruit & nut aisle. She was in the lead, slowly moving forward, leaning heavily on her shopping cart.

Sure, she was moving REALLY slow. Like glacier slow. But I was in no rush, and I was thoroughly enjoying people watching. Plus, I didn’t want to wiz by the old bag – you know, and cause her to loose her balance and fall. Or drop the prune juice she was clutching so dearly in her hand.

And while the two of us are carting down the aisle, this Middle-Aged Woman starts walking towards us. Now this chick was typical Hollywood trash. She was dressed in this uber-tight tube top, huge fake tits—really skanky. Now, don’t get the wrong impression. Just because she paid to enhance her jiggle, doesn’t mean she was attractive. (more…)

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Every once in a while, a movie comes along that is so powerful—so touching—that it transcends time. Truly rises above the crop of shit, and establishes itself as iconic. We all know these movies: Scarface, The Godfather, The Goonies…

Which is why I was so shocked the other night when I sat down to watch a movie I’d never seen before — and had my mind blown. Literally, it was like my eyes were seeing film for the first time. Truly shitty film. It was what had to be the best [worst] movie I’ve ever seen. It was pure brilliant crap, truly awful in the most amazing ways. So scrumtralescent, in fact, that I needed to write about it.

“What movie is this?” you ask. “What movie could be so exhilarating, so truly titillating, that it makes — Nay, COMMANDS — your nipples to stay in a constant state of percolation?” Well, settle down there sexual predator. The movie is called Marked For Death and it stars the quick-handed, and ever-illusive Steven Segal. (more…)

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I was graced with the presence of some very old friends this weekend. As I mentioned in the last flog, the group consisted of the Duke, JerBear, and Mikey No Face. And when I say very old friends, I mean like Moses old. Like our whole freakin lives.

All of us were in the 13 year club—which, for those of you that didn’t grow up in a small town in Connecticut, meant that we went through every single grade (K-12) in our school system together. All of us got to make fun of the same teachers, throw cold broccoli at the emo kids in the cafeteria, and make fun of Dukes for his 95 percentile balls. So we grew up together. And now we work scattered all around the country. So…in party-planner terms, this was a Crookfield reunion of sorts.

I should first mention that before the weekend even began, the cloud of Adam Weekend had already settled over Los Angeles. I’ve actually attached a picture of the weather forecast, because in my 2 years of living out here, I’ve never once seen so many rainy days in a row. Never. Like 8 days straight.

Note how many “Poors” there are in the Weather Condition category. These are known by meteorologists as Adam Days. Also note the day that the weather starts to get good again: the day they leave.

Adam Weekend

Wednesday – The Great Beer Mist

Mikey was the first one to arrive out here in the great Los Angeles. He was scheduled to arrive at noon on Wednesday, which was nothing but inconvenient for both parties — I had to work and no one was home to entertain him. His flight was overbooked, so he purposely got bumped to a later flight – not because they gave him ample rewards for the sacrifice, but because (more…)

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Friday Night, Dukes Fight Night

So the Duke arrived midday. Again, I was at work. But these kids had already made plans for the day. Just to show you how No Face rolls, after a night of shirt grabs and giggles, he rolled into a business meeting in Glendale and nailed it. He even dressed up in a monkey suit for it.

And at about 5:30, they came and visited me at work on the Paramount lot. Everyone quickly made friends, except for Adam, who was demanding to all of my coworkers to be an Extra in “Star Trek”. Literally asking every single person I work with. “So how can I be an extra? I don’t need a speaking line or anything, just put me in the movie.” And he was serious. He wanted to be put in our top secret, high profile movie…that night. Despite my best efforts to crush his dreams, they wouldn’t break. And believe me, I tried. I crushed.

Needless to say, after like the fifth person he asked (which happened to be a Producer), his dreams were finally shot down. “Is this kid joking? No, seriously…He’s joking right?” And of course he wasn’t. And the response was simple: “No. You can’t be an extra.” And the Duke left the lot—like so many wide-eyed actors—with his dreams shattered. (ps- It’s a tough business and a tough town).

But he quickly recouped, with the help of a 30 pack of Bud Diesel. And in no time, we were down on Main Street. At this place called O’Briens. Car bombs. Again. What’s this? Another car bomb. Oh no…. Mikey, no. OK. I’ll do it.

Just to show you the direction this night was going, somehow Mikey would manage to drop $180 by himself and Jeremy another $100 (with the rest of us each spending (more…)

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Every employee dreams of pranking their boss. I’m not talking about a thumbtack on the seat, I mean the real deal. Pooping in His coffee, giving Her a titty-twister heard round the world. You know, making them somehow feel–if even for a moment– the torment that the Bastard puts you through on a daily basis.

Well, these brave souls took on their large-assed superior. A few “nuts out of the chair” later, we have this hilarious video…

That seat had no chance anyway. His ass was just too heavy.

God, that’s funny. The suspense while he’s on the phone is so real–so intense. And then…he leans back. And it’s just a mess of body parts, blubber, and chair fragments. It’s like Titanic meets Big Mommas House 2.

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Because I’m feeling sassy this week, I’m gonna double-load the Music Video Wednesdays. Yeah, I know. I’m crazy. I’m like a Happy Ending at Friendly’s. With TWO scoops of ice cream.

Let’s start off with a band I’m hoping you’ve heard of by now, “Cold War Kids”. Great band that’s up and coming. Or should I just say, coming. They’re already up. [insert sexual joke here]

There album “Robbers & Cowards” was one of my favorite of last year. Definately pick it up. I’m going to assume you already heard their first single “Hang Me Out to Dry”…but just in case you haven’t…Watch it. Love it.

But here’s another GREAT song by them:

COLD WAR KIDS - “We Used to Vacation”

Like I said, I’m doubling down this week. Here’s the latest from Feist. (more…)

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So I was fortunate enough to be graced by a Homecoming visit, ol’ Crookfield style, with a trip from 3 best friends from growing up. These were JerBear, The Duke, and the notorious Mikey No Face.

Now, many of you may already be familiar with the Duke from the negative cloud of energy known as “Adam Weekends”—you know, where every trip you take with him becomes innately shitty? And my friend JerBear is also worth noting. He takes the role of the baby in the group — the napper, the puker, the peanut-butter-and-jelly-er — although I will say he put forth a valiant effort to do none of those things during the trip (besides nap).

But before I go on to tell stories and glories of this trip, I must prep you. For there is a man so meaty, so powerful, so filled with awesomeness—that his reputation truly proceeds him. This, of course, is Mikey No Face. “OK,” you’re skeptically saying, “So you’re friend is a meathead. So what?”

Now, come a bit closer…so I can slap you. You’re a jerk. Yes, Mikey No Face does have the full-on mentality of a meathead—complete with catchphrases such as “Get your weight up” and “Don’t be a fag”—but he also is deeply hilarious, and has a big heart. In other words, he’s a solid friend, a good guy, and more importantly, not a played-out douche (like every other meathead I know).
To fully understand the origin and mythical nature of the No Face, I invite you to gather round as I tell the story of how Mikey got his name, and exactly what it is.

So when we all went off to college, I went to Syracuse, JerBear and the Duke went to VirginiaTech, and Mikey went to UConn. There, he quickly joined the rugby team. I was in a Fraternity, so I’m no stranger to hazing, but this group of rugby meatheads took the whole notion of “new guy initiation” to a new level. (more…)

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