Friday Night, Dukes Fight Night

So the Duke arrived midday. Again, I was at work. But these kids had already made plans for the day. Just to show you how No Face rolls, after a night of shirt grabs and giggles, he rolled into a business meeting in Glendale and nailed it. He even dressed up in a monkey suit for it.

And at about 5:30, they came and visited me at work on the Paramount lot. Everyone quickly made friends, except for Adam, who was demanding to all of my coworkers to be an Extra in “Star Trek”. Literally asking every single person I work with. “So how can I be an extra? I don’t need a speaking line or anything, just put me in the movie.” And he was serious. He wanted to be put in our top secret, high profile movie…that night. Despite my best efforts to crush his dreams, they wouldn’t break. And believe me, I tried. I crushed.

Needless to say, after like the fifth person he asked (which happened to be a Producer), his dreams were finally shot down. “Is this kid joking? No, seriously…He’s joking right?” And of course he wasn’t. And the response was simple: “No. You can’t be an extra.” And the Duke left the lot—like so many wide-eyed actors—with his dreams shattered. (ps- It’s a tough business and a tough town).

But he quickly recouped, with the help of a 30 pack of Bud Diesel. And in no time, we were down on Main Street. At this place called O’Briens. Car bombs. Again. What’s this? Another car bomb. Oh no…. Mikey, no. OK. I’ll do it.

Just to show you the direction this night was going, somehow Mikey would manage to drop $180 by himself and Jeremy another $100 (with the rest of us each spending around $50-$70). Let’s just say ample shots and drinks were being tossed around. It was “Act Like Amy Winehouse Night”, and Mikey No Face was the mayor.

So at about 1am, I’m chatting with No Face — and Dukesy comes over looking all sad and says, “Mikey, go beat that kid up.” Now, I have to pause here, because if you know the Duke, you know he’s not a fighter. He’s a lover. Well, he’s not really a lover either. More like a castratti– you know, those high pitched singers with their balls cut off? …but he’s definitely not a fighter.

Fight Me

But the Dukes was ready to go. Fists clenched. Apparently, this douchebag—who, by now, was staring all of us down—went up to Adam and said “Don’t look at me”. Which I thought was a weird thing to say, because obviously if you approach someone and speak to them, they’re gonna look at you. Especially if it’s a crowded bar — it’s dark and everything. Of course you’d like to see who’s talking to you… that’s just common courtesy. But apparently, tonight this Tough Guy was not accepting looks from Dukes. And he meant it.

So Mikey, without hesitation, walks up to the kid and says, “My friend over here says your giving him shit. Now, you can stop acting like a douchebag right now. That’d be fine. But if you don’t, I’ll be forced to make you look silly.” And I’m not just playing the My-Dad-could-beat-up-your-Dad card here — when Mikey went over to this Tough Guy, the Guy shriveled up like testes in cold water. We thought it was over. It should have been over. We didn’t want trouble. But Mike walked away, and as soon as he did…the kid was even more obnoxious than before.

He was literally yelling to us, “Look away. Look away. Look away.” As his friends restrained him. Then he started to give us the finger, literally—reaching his hand as close as he could, finger blasting, and still repating, “Look away. Look away…” Again, it’s hard to imagine someone demanding that you look away when they are calling attention to themselves. But it was happening. He wanted Dukes’ blood. And Dukes, although safetly standing behind me and Mikey, was not gonna be put down. Not on an Adam Weekend. You could feel the tension escalating.

SIDENOTE: Let me just quickly note my frustration with drunk-ass idiots like this. Why would you, in a bar full of crowded people, try to pick a fight with a complete stranger that’s walking by you? I mean, come on. That’s just poor effort. It’s a bar full of drunk people. You must be able to find someone that actually does something to piss you off—at the bare minimum, someone that steps on your toe, spills beer on your shirt, or makes a bad “Yo Momma” joke. But to pick a fight with the mutherhuffin’ Dukes? Piss poor.

Dukes Starting Trouble

The Tough Guy’s friends were not so gung-ho about the fight their friend was picking. Mikey, like a gentleman, pulled aside one of his friends and said very calmly, eyes unblinking, “If you do not get your friend out of here, I will end him.” Mikey says the whole thing with a smile on his face. He meant it — I mean, I didn’t doubt his seriousness for a second. And neither did the kid’s friend.

About a second later, all of the Tough Guys’ friends dragged him out of the bar. He literally went kicking and screaming like an infant, while the four of us just smiled and waved at him. And it was over. But that goes on record as the first almost-fight I’ve ever seen Dukesy-cat involved in. Kudos, Duke. Although you did nothing, I’m still proud of you.

It certainly added a bit of spice to the night. And despite the fact that no one got in a fight, Jeremy somehow still got a nosebleed when we got back to my apartment. I’m guessing from all the nose picking. Or maybe it was the Jack In The Box for the second straight night. Man, he’s one tough kid.

“I’m so congested”

Saturday - Cupcakes and Parties

Saturday was the last day that we were all together. They kept demanding to see “Beverly Hills”, which I tried to explain is just an area of the city, not a real “attraction”. But tourists always come and visit and want to see “Beverly Hills”. Because Weezer wrote a song about it. Way to be hipsters, guys. Really. But we took a drive, and we saw houses that I’ll never be able to afford, palm trees, and nice cars. So I think they got to see what they were looking for.

Then someone came up with the brilliant notion of trying to find the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” house – so that they could take a picture in front of it. We googled it, and went searching. Now, I must say: whoever posted that address online, you’re a real cockwatcher. We spent a good hour searching — going up and down the blocks like a bunch of saps. I could doodycake right on your face. But alas, there was no Carlton, no Uncle Phil, no silly Butler. Our hopes were crushed. But we quickly blamed the bad fortune on Dukes, and felt a lot better about ourselves.

Then they demanded to see a “hotspot” in Beverly Hills. Again, this isn’t New York. Finding good eateries is tough enough, but finding a “hotspot” that’s more than just a trendy place where morons go to hang out with other morons is tough. So I took them to “Sprinkles Cupcakes”. Now, I know. Stop it. I know exactly what your going to say. And I don’t blame you. Anyone who has not eaten a Sprinkles cupcake or isn’t from LA would call us a bunch of drooling queerbeers for going to a cupcake joint. But, as Michael Jackson said, “You’re just ignorant”.

These cupcakes are amazing. So friggin tasty. I mean, look at them. Little delicious cupcakes. And they are the standard in LA. People give them as gifts, send them as prizes, eat them by the dozen. And this is the hardest part to believe. You wait in line for them. We literally waited in line for 30 minutes to eat a freakin cupcake. If that doesn’t define fat-ass America, I don’t know what will.

But I will say this: it was, and always is, worth it. The boys were all blown away. Except for Dukes, who dropped more than half of his cupcake on the ground. And stood there, just looking at it on the sidewalk, like a sad puppy — tears welling up in his eyes.

But there was no time for tears. We had to get back to my place, because we were throwing a little party, Pizzaman styley.

Instead of describing the whole party, I’ve attached a few videos and pictures. After all, they’re worth a thousand words each. So back off.

>> Watch “Shirt Grab - The Virtual Experience” Presented by Mikey No Face

>> Watch “Crookfield Reppin’ CT”

Sunday - The Teary Goodbye

I think the trip could be best summed up by a few closing statements. Firstly, throughout the trip, Mikey could be heard uttering a simple phrase which, at first, sounded stupid…but eventually grew on me.

“I’m sorry I’m not sorry”

Which simply meant he is unapologetic for his lack apologies. It’s no holds bar, and he’s not sorry. Which I thought was an adequate and hilarious stance, given the meaty nature of this trip.

Another key quote (although only uttered but once), was when we were talking about how big Mikey has gotten, and how I would never want to be on the receiving end of his rugby tackle. And then he began to describe himself, and in doing so, said he weighed “an eighth of a ton”. So, from that point on, we called him 1/8th Ton Murphy.

Dukes dropping his cupcake on the ground after waiting 30 minutes for it was also an understated moment…but one which describes the Duke (and Adam Weekends) to a T. And, I am almost afraid to admit this, but once Adam actually landed in LA, the weather got notably better (is this the beginning of NewDuke Weekends?) I doubt it. Since the shitty weather was his fault anyway.

And lastly, the perfect end to the trip. After a long night of partying on Saturday, we woke up at 8am in the morning on Sunday to drive Jeremy and Mikey to the airport. And of course, we asked Mikey for one last No Face before he left.

Unfortunately, all we had left in the fridge was a nasty bottle of Boone’s Farm Lime Flavored Malt Liquor (if you’ve ever been to college in the Northeast, you know and loathe Boon’s Farm. It’s like a wine cooler meets a 40oz). But Mikey stepped up to the challenge, and even did so while taking a shit.

Unexpected? Not really. Hilarious? Yes. Classy? You betcha. In fact, it was so classy that Mikey forgot his cellphone and shoes (yes, im serious) at my apartment…and didn’t realize until we were halfway to the airport. How do you forget your cellphone and your shoes? They are both essential travel items. No worries, a quick overnight shipment and they were back in New York City…ready for more adventures.

In conclusion, it was an awesome visit from some of my best friends. JerBear, Dukes, and Mikey No Face were all at top notch performances. And I had quite the time. So I guess now it’s my turn to go to DC or NYC, but hell–maybe I’ll make them just come back to Cali.

Shirt grab!