Every once in a while, a movie comes along that is so powerful—so touching—that it transcends time. Truly rises above the crop of shit, and establishes itself as iconic. We all know these movies: Scarface, The Godfather, The Goonies…

Which is why I was so shocked the other night when I sat down to watch a movie I’d never seen before — and had my mind blown. Literally, it was like my eyes were seeing film for the first time. Truly shitty film. It was what had to be the best [worst] movie I’ve ever seen. It was pure brilliant crap, truly awful in the most amazing ways. So scrumtralescent, in fact, that I needed to write about it.

“What movie is this?” you ask. “What movie could be so exhilarating, so truly titillating, that it makes — Nay, COMMANDS — your nipples to stay in a constant state of percolation?” Well, settle down there sexual predator. The movie is called Marked For Death and it stars the quick-handed, and ever-illusive Steven Segal.

Now let me begin by saying, the first 30 minutes of this film were almost entirely unwatchable. A steaming heap of donkey shit. If you gave a monkey fingerpaint, he could come up with a better script (ie - “Dunston Checks In”). Basically, the first 30 minutes is there to make the movie an hour and a half long.

The basic premise is that a “posse” of Jamaican Rastas — lead by the dangerous, dreadlocked “Screwface” – have taken over this town and turned it into their personal drug store. Meanwhile, Steven Segal (aka John Hatche) had just recently retired as a undercover cop. He couldn’t take the Force any more. So he comes back home, and of course, is thrown into the mix with the “Rasta Posse” that’s taken over his hometown. He still doesn’t want to fight them. But then they shoot his niece, put a death mark on Segal’s entire family, and make it personal.

And that’s all you need to know. Which is why this movie is so sweet. In fact, they make the Jamaicans so ridiculous—and make their accents so “authentic”—that you honestly can’t understand a single fucking word that comes out of their mouth. After watching a full 5-minute scene with the Rastas talking about some kind of drug deal, I literally turned to my roommate and said, “I have no idea what’s happening right now”. Nobody did. Not even Segal.

But then the action starts. And this is when it becomes the sweetest movie ever. Let me just say, Segal is the slowest moving action star I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like he snorts horse tranquilizers before he tapes each scene.

He’s also the only action star that kills people by just pushing them into eachother. Watch this scene, especially the part where he says, “You wanna kill her, kill her. I don’t mind if you kill her ‘cuz I don’t know her at all.” This is acting at the highest level. Al Pacino, hide your Oscar.

It’s like, “ohhhh…He doesn’t care” Then POW!!! Oh man, it gets my heart racing just thinking about it. Then they guys run away. but Segal doesn’t run. He doesn’t even walk fast. He walks slow. Takes his time. In the bonus features, he actually stops to tie his shoe. But they cut that out.

And then BAM!!, he breaks peoples arms and limbs like pretzel sticks. (I know there is no sound in this clip, but its hilarious. This could be an early Charlie Chaplin film. He just throws people into eachother…It has to be the most efficient fighting move ever! And then wait for the arm break at the very end. Funniest thing ever).

And then the ending. The best Bad Guy death I’ve ever seen. Just to give you a forewarning, because it is a tad graphic, Steven feels the need to push the guys eyeballs into his head, throw him through a concrete wall, and then….here’s the best part… breaks him in half over his knee. They should change Screwface’s name to “Saltine” because Segal breaks him in half like a salty cracker. And then sprinkles him on a big bowl of Segal Soup. I mean, Screwface guy crumbles like blue cheese. And if that’s not enough, he throws him down and elevator shaft and impales him.

“I hope they weren’t triplets.” Amazing. (fyi so that quote makes sense–Screwface has a twin brother that Segal had already killed.) Acting, delivery, action. What can’t Segal do?

And as far as a the rest of the movie goes, that was it. There was absolutely no resolution. Segal kills the bad guy, leaving the gang of Rastas to just “dissolve”. Despite the fact that his entire family was marked by the gang to be killed, the movie just ends after he kills the bad guy. Directly after. There’s no tying up of plot. He doesn’t get a girl (in fact, there is no romantic interest at all in the entire movie). It just ends.

Personally, I say this movie deserves to be reconsidered for best movie of 1990. Is it too late for a recount? Oh, well then, I guess I’ll just have to close my eyes and wish really hard.

In the meantime, I’m giving Steven Segal the All-Time Achievement Award for the Slowest Moving Action Star ever. Truly, I don’t think there was ever a man that moved so slow, yet broke so many limbs. Kudos.

You earned it, Steven. You really earned it. So if you haven’t seen this movie, go out and rent it. If you can find it.