Ever go into a restaurant and see someone with a Seeing Eye Dog and be like, “Damn, I wish that dog was a miniature horse?” Or see a scientist and be like, “Why isn’t he using those test tubes for horse shrinking?”

Me too. I say it almost every time. In fact, I got a tattoo over my heart that says “Reduce the Horses”. Which, in hindsight, I realize actually sounds like I want less horses. Which is NOT what I want. I was drunk.

Well, all those sleepless nights and heartfelt prayers have been answered. Thanks to the miracle of “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” technology, the dream of owning a seeing eye horse is now a reality.

Meet Twinkie, the mascot of the Guide Horse Program.

Don’t be frightened, that blood-thirsty stare in his eye is just his way of saying “hello”. I know, it looks like he might latch onto your jugular and rip your head off–but he won’t. He just did a lot of blow last night.

And check out his shoes–are those LA Lights?! Man, this horse knows how to party!

OK, so you’re probably still confused by this whole horse replacing dog thing. I know, it’s strange. But think about it. Who wouldn’t want a mini horse? According to the Guide Horse Foundation, the group leading the “seeing eye horse” push, mini horses live 25-35 years and are cheaper to own than seeing eye dogs. Plus, they take a beating better than a dog.

Let’s say you catch your horse Edward (feature above) rummaging through the fridge. He’s drunk again — hopped up on that “horse tranqulizer” all the mini-horses are doing. Cheesing.

What do you do? If you had a dog, you’d say “BAD!” and maybe hit him in the face with a newspaper. But a horse? You tell that carrot-eating piece of crap to go to bed.

And he listens. He understands. And he curls up on the pull-out mattress with his horse wife and SLEEPS.

So what’s the next logical step? Customizing your horse to your personal tastes. Let’s say your a talentless. Beckham-loving soccer fan. You buy a mini horse, and start teaching him futbol. You buy that horse all the equipment possible—give him every advantage—and you make that horse play. You do what it takes to make him the best horse soccer player ever.

What’s even more amazing: this picture is to scale. That horse is only about a foot and a half tall. And he plays for the Mexican Soccer squad. (He’s the second tallest player.)

So what’s the lesson here? Dogs are out. Horses are in. If you have a dog, let it go. Go down to the horse dispensary and buy a mini horse. And make sure it’s abnormally small.