It has come to my attention that the news media in our country sucks. It’s like every media outlet has simulatenously agreed to pop cyanide pills, crap their pants, and give up on life. Just throw their hands in the air and said, “ahh, What the hell. Let’s lead with Britney’s cooter shot again.”

And the result is “news” that’s not news at all. It’s sensationalized, pop-culture garbage.

(I wish I made this Headline up)

Don’t know what I’m talking about? How come you know more about Jennifer Aniston’s current mood than the war on Iraq? (she’s totally still not over Brad) Or when Charlton Heston died, why was Yahoo was running a “Dating Tips” story on their frontpage? And are we really supposed to care that Angelina Jolie wants to adopt another African kid?

I don’t care. No one should. It’s not news. So instead of complaining, I set out to do some investigative work. I took Yahoo.com as my test subject. Everyone knows it – it’s one of the longest running sites on the internet, and it has prided itself on being a competitor in the news world.

Take a look at this screenshot from Friday (click to enlarge).

Take a look at these headlines. They are absolutely absurd!! See if you can even find one piece of news in the pile of shit.

Lets start with the “Featured” section. The most important news of the day. Top story: “Are you or are you not?”. Ashley Simpson pregnancy rumors. Wow, can someone gauge my eyes out? Let’s just say she’s a whore, so she’s probably pregnant. Case closed. And what the hell does “pull a J.Lo” mean?” Is her ass going to grow to insurable proportions? Is she going to marry Marc Anthony?

Ugh, and then there’s this gem: “How to Survive 5 Dinner Date Mishaps” which could easily be changed to “How to Eat, for Retards”. You really should read this article. She if you can make it through the whole thing without feeling a boiling anger that someone got paid to write that. And for how stupid they think I am.

Thank god for these groundbreaking tips. Up until now, I thought when I dropped my fork on the ground, I was supposed to take my knife and stab myself in the heart. But all I need to do is ask for another one!!!

As for the other two featured “stories”…Can someone even invest in spaghetti? And, duh, twinkies are the softest.

OK, so maybe the “Featured” section was a fluke. Maybe Yahoo just had a lot of pop culture on their minds and wanted to put that up first. You know, appease the masses. Maybe they have a plan for the news. And keep it contained, in it’s own space. Oh wait, they do!! It’s called “In the News”. Huzzah!

Ok, so “In the News”. Alright first story, “Oprah buys a Loofah…” No. No! NOOOO!! It can’t be! That’s not news, it’s a sponge. Alright, bad start. Next article. A new study shows men are attracted to women?! Wait. What? That’s a fact. Why is there a study?! God, this is worse than the featured section!!!

My eyes are bleeding and my senses are starting to feel frayed. Can’t. Stop. Reading. Gary Coleman goes on the South Beach Diet and grows an inch? AhhhhhhHHH! My brains!

Wait, what’s this? The last article! An earthquake! Let’s read: “Earthquake in India or Hungary or something kills 10,000 people”. Wow, that’s kind of insultingly incomplete. 10,000 people are dead, and you’re not even sure where?! Nice reporting.

Oh well, my head hurts from all this crap. Yahoo, you were the worst study ever. I hate you. Although I should have known when I saw that advertisement for your Yahoo! News to the right. You have a speech bubble coming out of Britney’s vagina. I’m not really sure if that’s even legal to put up.

My study concludes that internet news is numbing and incompetent. But if you’re looking for TMZ-type “news”, this is you’re golden era. And you’re a moron.

I’m actually thinking of setting up a PMPnews branch. And the Reporter/Cops are going to be my leading anchormen/enforcers. Watch out Yahoo…