A time-cherished tradition is slowly being erroded and washed away right before my eyes. The tradition is called “Deep Cuts”, and within my friend group, it’s something we hold dear.
So what is a “deep cut”? Simple. Deep Cuts is the game of old friends. The point is to bring up a mutual acquaintance that has been long washed-over by the seas of time — someone that you both knew, but haven’t thought about for years. Shock your friend with a jarring memory and an embarrassing story. The goal is to cut deep, the bigger the “holy shit” reaction, the more points you score, and thusly, the more street cred you receive.
I’ll give you an example. Let’s say we are talking about Ashton Kutcher and I said, “Yeah, well he’s no Tom Green”. See? We all remember that horse-penis-sucking bastard, but no one’s thought about him in years. Now this would be a pretty poor deep cut — actually more like a scratch — because it wasn’t that long ago he was popular.
A better example would be, “Yeah, well he’s no Alex Winter”. Exactly. Who? Alex Winter was Keanu Reeves co-star in the Bill and Ted movies. Anyway, the point of the game isn’t doing it with celebrities, it’s doing it with people you grew up with. (And making fun of said people is an added bonus.)
But there is a monster lurking on the internet trying to kill Deep Cuts. It knows your high school and your history, and shows no remorse for personal space. And it’s name is Facebook.
I had a birthday recently, and was bombarded with birthday wishes from people that I haven’t seen or talked to in 6 or 7 years. These were people that, mere months ago, would have gotten me huge street cred in the Deep Cut market.
Don’t get me wrong, these are nice people. And I thank them for their good birthday wishes. But I just lost two all-star Deep Cuts and one peripheral cut. Paravati and Gould were clutch cuts — I could have gotten like 30 metaphorical points for those two. And at least another 8 for Stein.
But now I have nothing. All these pokes and messages are breaking down the game, making it almost impossible to play. I feel like it’s 1989 in Germany, and Social Networking is tearing down my Berlin Wall.
So how do I compete? How do I continue to cut deep when the Costco of Deep Cuts is slinging them out for free? Who is this person that just sent me a friend invite?
I guess my only hope is to remember the kids that moved away in 4th grade, or maybe those kids in Alternate School. And pray they don’t remember me.
10 responses so far ↓
1 grimes // Jun 30, 2008 at 6:38 am
deep cut- vincent “vinny” deleo
M.O.- his elastic bottom sweat pants, tucked in shirts.
Best way to drop this deep cut: when some one is wearing sweatpants with tucked in shirt, is to ask them if their outfit is from the vinny deleo fall fashion collection?
not to be confused with the Eric Walberg (sweat pants with elastic bottoms and a matching un hooded sweat shirt usually of the bright teal or any pastel color)
2 Dan // Jun 30, 2008 at 7:01 am
Grimes is forgetting Vinny D’s most defining characteristic…the handless nose pick.
He could rub his nose using his upper lip (think a grossly over exaggerated kissy face) It eliminates the entire “pick” step of the “pick your nose and eat it” process.
3 Administrator // Jun 30, 2008 at 9:17 am
hahaha oh man. Grimes, you get 10 pts for that one. The Vinny Deleo fall catalogue…priceless
oh and Dan, I’ll give you 2 bonus for adding his facial talents. That upper lip was like an extra appendage.
4 No Face // Jun 30, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Can we all please pause and have a moment of silent meditation for Cate Borneman (now Cate Wilborn through marraige) and Ryan Goliber…2 cuts so deep that when you think of them it will send shivers down your mom’s spine.
5 Mapes // Jun 30, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Sorry saw this in Dan’s away and can’t let it get away. My jaw dropped when I saw Cate Borneman (Wilborn) added me as a facebook friend it hurt deep. Thankfully I don’t get birthday wishes from the dastardly duo of Paravati/Stein.
I wonder how Jon Fields is doing now, I was disappointed not to see him on MTV’s true life I Have Tourette’s. Or what happened to Judson Rodgers. I still have bad memories of Chase Marshall draining jump shots in my face in 5th grade.
6 Mapes // Jun 30, 2008 at 9:48 pm
And I’d clearly use the Chase Marshall deep cut after I drained a three in your face.
7 Nalley // Jul 1, 2008 at 9:39 pm
How about Fred Butcher, who by now has to have almost finished his manifesto.
I would use this one when someone was acting absolutley psychotic.
8 Dan // Jul 11, 2008 at 8:35 am
Mapes…Judson is now Judson Lee http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=403055&ref=ts
And what is the kids name that threatened to kill people at the 8th Grade dinner dance?
9 41DR // Jul 14, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Chris Bouchard…..obviously
Dicekay Katioka and Sakindria (aka La) Phong (4th grade).
Fred Butcher.
Soloman Something.
Marianne Tavaras.
B.I.B.B, B.I.B.B, BIBB! BIBB! BIBB!
10 pmpcomedy // Jul 14, 2008 at 1:32 pm
shit, good call. I couldn’t remember for the life of me. All I kept thinking about was how Megan Dritto’s fro used to get in my way in English class.
and how much i wanted to bib the bibb
Leave a Comment