As this beautiful summer reaches a midpoint, there are a few random thoughts on my mind.

1) I’m not in college anymore. As I awoke on Saturday morning with a kick-ass hangover which would stay with me for a solid 6 hours, I realized I’m not in Kansas anymore. Yes, apparently 3 Bud Lights, 2 Colt45 cans, and 1 mixed drink is enough to make my stomach churn like an Amish butter barrel for days on end.

I go to sleep early, talk about how gas prices are affecting my budget, and drink a few beers two nights a week. But instead of getting rowdy, I get sleepy. And instead of drunk girls wandering into my dorm room, I have ants invading my apartment — which I now fervently battle against on a weekly basis. That’s my big battle: ants. And you know what? They’re winning.

2) I’m not Spanish. Los Angeles is a city where English is practically a second language. When I was in high school in my uber-white little town, I always thought “Ha! Spanish, who needs it?” I didn’t plan on working at BagelMan for the rest of my life, so it didn’t seem important. Boy, was I wrong. If only my Spanish teacher Miss Asselta could see me now. She’d say “I told you so.” and then give me walking detention..

I recently met this lovely Spanish girl at a bar a few weekends ago, and have since hung out with her a couple times. All I can say is she must like me at least a little, because the amount of times I say “What?” and “Huh?” would be enough to drive my saint-like Grandma to bitch slap me. She speaks great English, but when she talks to her friends in Spanish, I stand there like Helen Keller, staring blankly at their lips and thinking “Do I talk that fast?”. But I have no idea. They could be ripping on me, for all I know.

And the only possible way to fix this problem — at least that I’ve come up with — is to eat more Mexican food. Como se dice “Do you have more toilet paper?”

3) Keeping Google SafeSearch Off. I’ve been doing a good bit of writing for my side project “Idiot Pants Party”, which has been going great. But for each article, I need to find relevant pictures. This is much harder than it sounds. Mostly for two reasons: 1) There’s so many shitty pictures out there, and 2) I can’t type in anything without loads of porn coming up in the search results.

And come on, when I get THAT much porn coming up, my alpha-male monkey brain gets confused, and then sidetracked. All of sudden, my search for “fake friend girl” turns into a boner-inducing titty fest. And considering I do a lot of this writing in my spare time at work, it’s almost annoying to type in “girlfriend” and get twenty pages of girls sucking face. (Note: I used the word “almost”. I really don’t mind).

This screenshot pretty much sums up what I’m talking about:

That’s not what I meant, but now I pretty much have to click.

So all in all, summer’s great. I may not speak Spanish, my history’s filled with porn (not my fault), and I can’t hold my booze any more, but I still do get a thrill out of killing a colony of ants. That’s almost as fun as college, right?