As TV “returns” for it’s new season of programming, we’re treated with the absolute privilege of being exposed to a new slew of eye garbage. And this year, it looks like the Networks are really trying to out-awful eachother.

I’m not sure if you’ve caught the previews for “My Own Worst Enemy“, where Christian Slater plays TWO personalities (good and bad) of the same person. It looks like horse shit wrapped in a cardigan sweater, but I at least appreciate that they gave me two reasons not to watch (both being Christian Slater).

And that’s just one of over 100 new shows hitting the air this fall. What else is new? Ooooh, The Mentalist! If I’m not mistaken, this is about a mentally handicapped person struggling to cope with his special psychic powers.

I hear in the pilot, he kills a man with “special” mind bullets. And when he takes off his helmet, he can — Wait…I’m wrong. It’s just another cliche CBS crime drama where the guy “relies on people skills to help solve crimes” (direct quote from CBS). Ugh, it sounded so much cooler before.

OK, so maybe drama’s not what’s going to blow my mind this year. Comedy! This is what I’m all about. This is what gets me going. Alright, so first up is “Gary, Unmarried“. I know this one. This is about a gay couple in the deep South that’s trying to get same-sex marriage allowed. But when their redneck neighbors find out — oh boy, watch out! They’re all in for a rip-roaring good time.

Damnit, am I wrong again?! It’s just another family sitcom with Jay Mohr in a fat suit. Oh, he’s not even in a fat suit. He’s just gotten fat.

Come on! There has to be something new, something fresh. No? OK, Hollywood…so you’ve got no new ideas, but you have to air something…Hmm, what to do? Oh yeah! Take an old idea and destroy it!!

How about Knight Rider: The College Years, only replace the car with a shittier one — you know, something that really says “we’ve given this show no forethought!” And what else…What was that series that made us a lot of money in the 90s? The one with rich kids in high school? Oh yeah… 90210! What a gold mine! OK, so throw a black kid in there to make it seem like “we get it”. Sweet sassy molassy, we got us a hit!

…I’m sorry, I just tuned out for a minute. Do those shows sound as awful to you as they do to me? If your answer is “no”, then you probably are what we call “middle America“, or possibly a Mentalist. I don’t know about you, but I’m sticking to the Office, South Park, and Sunny.

Otherwise, my TiVo will go Kamikaze and unplug itself.