I learned something this weekend: not all Germans are Jew Hunters. Some Germans just like to play brass instruments and get really, really, really drunk.*

I went up to Lake Arrowhead this weekend with a bunch of buddies. Lake Arrowhead, for the record, is a quaint little rural community nestled in the mountains about two hours outside of LA. What better place for a bunch of aholes to go and party?

So we rented a cabin in this quiet little village. The “cabin” was actually more like a two story house. Of course, we lied grossly about how many occupants there would be (the max was 6, but we thought 10 was more “our style”).

But onto the Germans. The highlight was certainly the local Oktoberfest. When we rolled up to the town center with our “city slicker” hairdos and “cellular” telephones, we were expecting a pretty big festival. After all, we had read about it online and it promised to be quite entertaining. But when we got there, it was literally just a single tent with a live German band playing on the stage. We were (by about 20 years) the youngest people there.

Now, I’ll stop to set the mood here: it was freaking cold. And not just you’re-a-pussy-because-you-live-in-LA cold. It was like 45 degrees. And raining. I haven’t even SEEN rain in 6 months. So you can imagine my shock and horror and sandy vagina.

So we started going all out on the beer, as I recently learned that Eskimos bathe in beer to warm themselves up. And I have to say, this German band was amazing. I’ve never in my life seen grown adults drink SO MUCH BEER, so consistently, ever. These guys would play a “song” (I put it in quotes because they played the same thing over and over), and then slowly guzzle down their beer. Then, fill it back up.

Now, THIS is the kind of encouragement that they should teach in schools. It’s powerful. In fact, they motivated me right back to the beer line. And this is when it starts to get good…

They call up the women for a “Stein Holding” Competition. If you’re unfamiliar, this is a competition where women have to hold out full stein with one hand, arm straight, for as long as they can. And as an added rule in this local competition, every woman had to be hideous.

The competition really heated up between the last four ghouls/contestants:

Then they moved onto the Men’s Beer Chugging competition. When we signed up, we assumed it would be like a 16 oz plastic cup, but no, no, no. Not with the Heil Hitler Brass Band on the stage. They filled up full 36oz Steins and then had the drink off. One grown man even puked!

We all laughed at him, and scoffed at the local Lake Arrowhead man that won — although this man had a permanent bitter beer face, so I figure that should have disqualified him. My buddy, Lou, managed to come in second place despite his skinny, heroin-like physique.

It was great. And they followed that up with the WOMEN’s Beer Chugging Competition. And I swear, you can’t make this up. This old woman — she had to be like 60 years old — beat the crap out of this whole line of women and got 2nd place. I’ve attached a VIDEO of it here, and I insist you watch it. It’s hilarious (and so is the commentary).

By the time all these competitions were done, we were really feeling the Oktoberfest love. And by now, most of the crowd had left….leaving just the drunk people and the band. So we chicken danced our faces off, and yelled out “You Rock!” at the band. Which eventually led to, “Yeah Lester!!”, once we learned the name of the tuba player.

We wound up staying to close the festival down, and it was a blast. I even managed to book the Brass Band for my next Bar Mitzvah. They asked “what a Bar Mitvah was”, and not wanting to stir up the Jewish waters, I told them it was an Open Bar at a Mets game. I think they bought it.

So the lesson here: It’s October. Go to an Oktoberfest, drink some beer, and melt some faces with a chicken dance. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see an elderly woman chug like a frat boy.

(*These Germans may in fact also be Jew Hunters.)