Seriously, that’s all this movie is. One big blueball session soothed over by some emotional, amped-up punk rock music. Jim never gets laid, his other friends lie about getting laid, and that choir dude is more sensitive than my gums after a dentist visit.
Nobody has sex. It’s always tits, tits, action, oh yeah, tits — then the comical interruption. Bonerkill. Jim’s Parents walk in or he pinches it off premie. And on cable, it’s even worse. A single blue ball.
[I should also note that — with a total of 6 American Pie movies under his belt (including 3 direct-to-DVD) — Eugene Levy has sold his soul and is a legitimate disgrace].
As you settle in with your holiday presents — maybe that new Wii or the most recent Call of Duty — remember where it all started. In a dumpy apartment in LA with NHL ‘94.
Every Christmas, my family sits down with a warm cup of cocoa and watches Christmas Vacation. It’s a tradition of sorts, one of those simple things we look forward to. But it’s also one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time. Flawless is the word, I believe.
Here’s a great scene from that movie to bring the holiday cheer into your living room…
Where’s the Tylenol? And because it’s Christmas (and I’m awesome), watch the full movie here!
They say all press it good press, but I think this solidly proves that statement wrong. The animated movie Delgo — which admittedly, I’ve never even heard of before — broke a new Box Office record this past weekend…For having the worst opening EVER for a film in wide release.
“Delgo” earned a measly $511,920 this weekend on 2,160 screens, not even breaking the top ten. That’s an average of $237 per screen for the three days.
If you figure there were five screenings a day, and assume ticket prices are about $8, that comes out to TWO people in the theater per showing.
Two people?!!! Hell, PMPcomedy videos just hit over 415,000 views on YouTube alone. And we’re not even funny. Worst part is…the movie cost $40 million dollars — which, much like my college lifestyle, will never ever come back.
So what was this movie? What was it about? How is it even feasible to average 2 people per showing?! Well, let me tell you. The genius plot is as follows: Star-crossed lovers squaring off against an evil queen on a fanciful world divided between a reptilian people who can move rocks with their minds and a sprite-like folk who like dragons.
I’m intrigued. Not. Here, you should all read this article. It’s bad press.
Michael Moore has just signed on to do a new documentary about obesity in America. When asked about why he chose the subject, he said:
“I looked in the mirror and I was like. Wow. I’m kindof a huge fat ass. I tried growing a beard to cover it up, but powdered sugar kept falling into it.”
Tentatively, the movie is called “Bowling For Cheeseburgers”, although an assistant to Mr. Moore said that was more of “wishful thinking” than anything else.
This year marks the 10th Anniversary of The Big Lebowski, an epic movie about kidnapping, mistaken identity, and White Russians. It’s a personal favorite of mine — I love how the Dude is just such a fucking loser, but so unbelievably cool at the same time.
And in his honor, I’ve attached two sweet-ass internet cut-ups. The first is a compilation of every time the word “fuck” (or any variation) is said, and the second has some hilarious edited-for-TV “cursing”.
The Fuckin’ Short Lebowski
The Freakin’ Good Lebowski
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!
If you’re African American, you’re probably a fan of “Arrested Development“, the Altanta hip hop group circa 1990. And if you’re Caucasian, you’re a fan of “Arrested Development”, the TV show. If you’re not, you should be.
Here’s a clip from my favorite TV character of all time, Mrs. Featherbottom.
Be Kind, Rewind was a travesty of an atrocious movie. A good plot, good actors, but done so poorly that you scream at the screen. “What?! This movie SUCKS!” It even makes Danny Glover look bad. Glover!
But from it’s smelly rubble has come the process of SWEDE’ing movies (home-made, uber shitty, short versions of classic films). And I quite enjoyed this one.
Leave it Hollywood to sensationalize everything. First it was World Trade Center about 9/11, then Maid in Manhattan about J-Lo’s current occupation, and coming soon is Oliver Stone’s W about the worst President ever.
And the creme de la creme…a new Disney movie based on the Sarah Palin story:
It’s not easy being the USA right now. We got Wall Street crashing, a Middle East crisis, political parties bashing each other, and natural disasters wrecking shit. But thank god for the always-irreverent Yahoo! News to guide us through these hard times.
Ohh, she’s very happy! As long as Jennifer Hudson and “Punk” are happy, then so am I. In fact, I forgot what I was even talking about. I’m just so happy that they’re happy!
But seriously, who the fuck are they? Yahoo sucking aside, it’s hard to find much in the news these days to really perk you up. But there are a few things I’ve uncovered that should put a smile on your face.
1. South Park just won an Emmy for their Imaginationland Trilogy. They beat out the this-is-starting-to-get-old antics of “Family Guy” for their 3rd glorious Emmy. I’ve attached a clip from Imaginationland pt. II…
2. “Bangkok Irrelevant”. Every weekend, our brains are bombarded by a fresh batch of Hollywood excrement. Whether it’s “Epic Movie IV”, Dane Cook in “Unwatchable Romantic Comedy”, or Eddie Murphy’s latest animated movie “Prosty: The Snowman Prostitute”, there’s enough mindless movie garbage out there to make you sick.
Yes, I work out here. But that means I see even more of it. More advertising, more billboards, more promotion of shit films. And honestly, I don’t understand it. To my full knowledge, they have taken a bunch of monkeys from LA Zoo, dressed them up in business suits, and given them keys to the movie studios.
Which is why it’s so glorious when an awful movie like “Bangkok Dangerous” tanks. The movie cost upwards of $50 million (plus advertising), and made $7 on it’s opening weekend. Call it Hiroshima because that shit bombed.
You would hope that the movie studios would learn their lesson. Maybe even pass on a movie where the dialogue is as follows:
“Hi. My name’s Joe. I kill people.”
Wow, Nicholas Cage. That’s rivieting stuff, man. Really. Cutting edge. Never seen that before. So you hope that the studios learn, but I assure you, they absolutely will not. Be prepared for “Kung Pow Dangerous”, the sequel, which is ironically about a bad dish at a chinese restaurant.
3. “Change” It seems that regardless of who you vote for, the message is now “change”. It’s been Barack Obama’ s pedestal for the past year, but after realizing that people actually support it, the Republicans pulled their age-old move: Lie and Deny.
They stole the “change” mantra, applied it to their own campaign, and then denied 100% of reposibility for the faults of the Republicans. It’s like they’re not even part of the party!
But at least we have the internet now to call out these political douchebags. The Real John McCain is here!
4. “Time Whore”…to the Next Level! Don’t ask me how, but I’ve secured a small amount of funding from Fox Animation to make three new Time Whore shorts. It’s a great first step for PMPcomedy, and a huge VD increase for Time Whore…so lets strap on a rubber and give each other a pat on the back. She’s got a long way to go, but let’s just say…she’s got the stamina.
I’ll keep you informed when the shorts are available online (it’ll be a few months).
Until then, don’t let Wall Street stress you out, don’t vote for John McCain, and don’t see any Nicolas Cage movies. You do that, you’ll be as happy as a pig in shit. Or as Hollywood would put it, you’ll be….Barnyard Dangerous.
Seriously, that’s all this movie is. One big blueball session soothed over by some emotional, amped-up punk rock music. Jim never gets laid, his other friends lie about getting laid, and that choir dude is more sensitive than my gums after a dentist visit. 
They say all press it good press, but I think this solidly proves that statement wrong. The animated movie Delgo — which admittedly, I’ve never even heard of before — broke a new Box Office record this past weekend…For having the worst opening EVER for a film in wide release.
It seems that regardless of who you vote for, the message is now “change”. It’s been Barack Obama’ s pedestal for the past year, but after realizing that people actually support it, the Republicans pulled their age-old move: Lie and Deny.
