This is absurd. Not since the infamous Pacquiao vs. Judah train-running gang-bang have I seen such affection in the ring…

I can only imagine what that guy’s coaches are telling him in the corner: “You gotta get more tongue in there! Go for the lips next time!! Tickle his balls!”

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Back in my frat days, we had a term called “getting Faced”. The point of “face”-ing somebody was to prank or fuck with them (ie - pouring a bucket of cold water on someone taking a shower, drawing a penis on someone’s face when they passed out, etc). Usually, the “facing” was unprovoked, which made it even funnier.

It looks like this has caught on in France. FACED!

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Another reason not to drink beer before you race…

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Everyone dreams of being a pro athlete — playing in that big game. Just like Rudy. I want to be Rudy. Can I?!!

Unfortunately, the answer is “no”. The secret, according to this guy, is one thing: instinct.

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This guy’s Parents really didn’t think things through.

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This guy from Britain keeps being mistaken for Michael Phelps, and is bombarded by a paparazzi-like crowd of Bejingites. They’re on him like white on rice.

It’s like a Michael Phelps Tour Bus just let out…

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And the Gold Medal for sucking face goes to…

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I’m not sure how many of you have been following the Olympics, but I will say this: If you haven’t been watching, you’re an an idiot…And a genius. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, man. That doesn’t make sense. Stop it.” And you’re right. Because it doesn’t make sense.

For me, these past 12 days have pretty much been like going through the stages of Alcoholics Anonymous. I started, pre-Olympics, by scoffing the games. Laughing at them. I’ve never been a fan, and I’ve never enjoyed watching. I always equated the Olympics to watching Kobayashi eat hot dogs. Sure, it’s impressive and I can’t do it, but really…who cares?

Long story short, I strongly disliked the Olympics, and said I would never watch. I’ll call this “Step 1: Fear”. This was abrubtly followed by:

Step 2: Discovery (aka What the F**k Country is Toungsylvania?)
The opening games were on a Friday night. I was drinking some beers, an early pregame before going out to the bars. As usual, nothing was on. One of my friends said to me, “Hey, isn’t the Opening Ceremony tonight?”.

Bored, I turned it on. And like a dumb blond staring at blinking Christmas lights, I was drawn in by the bright CGI graphics and cooing of a young Chinese girl flying through the air. There were ninjas and dragons, choreographed. Fireworks, flashing lights, and fascism. Maybe it’s just these Bud Heavy’s kicking in, but this is actually pretty sweet.

I wound up watching the Flag Carrying Ceremony for a bit as well. I was shamed by how little I knew about the world, and also by how many countries I’d never heard of. But not that shamed. Because I had heard of the most important country…America.

I did, however, watch long enough to make fun of India for having 1.3 billion people and only like 25 Olympic althetes. That’s just poor, India. Your numbers are worse than your customer service.

Step 3: Addiction
I’ll simply describe this stage by the day my roommate came home to find me glued to the couch, about 5 hours into an Olympic marathon. I had literally been watching for the entire afternoon, into the evening. Gymnastics, badminton, women’s beach volleyball, swimming, boxing, water polo, softball, Bob Costas. I was there, man. They hooked me in by saying “coming up next”, but then not actually showing that event for another 5 hours. But I watched. I watched the whole thing. And I liked it.

I had a full-on crush on ice-queen Gymnast Nastia Liukin (above), and saw a statue made of butter of her co-gynmast Shawn Johnson. Michael Phelps made me want to get a dolphinoplasty. I knew I had a problem when my roommate Sean said to me, “Dude, this gymnastics scoring doesn’t make any freakin’ sense.” And I actually heard these words come out of my mouth:

“Man, you just don’t get it. Gymnastics is a sport based on deductions. You don’t get more points for doing it right, you get points subtracted for each time you screw up. You see, the start value for her vault was higher than Yoko’s, so that’s why her score was lower for a seemingly equal routine.”

This was the night that Michael Phelps won his 5th gold medal. The night that the 13 year-old Chinese beanpole — I mean, 16 year-old gymnast — Yuyuan Jiang choked on her Gymnastics routine by falling repeatedly (and was subsequently melted down and turned into Elmers glue by her government). And this was the night I burned out on the Olympics.

Step 4: Anger (aka The Chinese Are Commie Bastards)
I was tired. Tired of watching NBC lie about all these events that said “Live”, but clearly weren’t. And I knew they weren’t live because I just heard the results on SportsCenter. I was tired of how they would string me along by saying “Coming up next, Michael Phelps swims the 500 meter”, where “coming up next” meant 3 hours later.

But more than that, I was pissed. Pissed that when I turned on the news the next morning, I had to hear news reports of the countless ways in which China had cheated and forged nearly all of the ceremonies, skewed the judging of their athletes to give them higher scores, and even lied about the ages of their athletes.

That young girl that drew me in during the Opening Ceremonies with her singing…a sham. Now, while I do find it humorous that the Chinese Government declared the singer “too ugly”, and instead, chose a Commercial actor to lip-synch to her singing, I have to say: that’s a poor effort China. That chick was just as ugly the week before. Way to crush her dreams and make yourselves look like assholes.

But what’s more upsetting is that they faked fireworks during the opening ceremony. Really? You’re China. You want us to believe you’re a global powerhouse when you fake fireworks? Boo you.

Oh, yeah. And they have 13 year old girls competing in Gymnastics where the legal age is 16. Like this girl above, who looks more like a prepubescent, anorexic alien baby, than a 16 year old Gymnast. Maybe China does have a space program…

Step 5: Recovery (aka Doodycakes)
Halfway through the Olympics, I was enthralled by the 24-hour programming. I loved the concept of being able to watch an event, no matter what time of day or night. It was riveting. I actually thought to myself, “Hey, you know a show like EdTV might be pretty cool.” Being able to watch some sort of reality TV, live, 24-hours a day. It drew me in.

But then I realized, I have better shit to do with my time. Watching all that coverage made my brain hurt. And you know what China? I’d rather watch my own government lie to me, thankyouverymuch. At least they don’t censor the internet and turn girls into glue.

That said, I’ll still watch beach volleyball any day of the week. Misty-May, I want to be on you.

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The Olympics are sweet. Hell, I just watched 2 hours of gymnastics with a Chinese girl named Ding Lingaling (i kid you not). Sure, she sounded like a doorbell, but she could rock the uneven bars like a bowl of steamed rice.

Anyway, I’ve been watching way too much of it. I don’t blame myself; there’s nothing else on. And in the spirit of brainwashed nationalism, here’s a sweet Clockwork Orange-esque commercial for America — uh, I mean Nike.

Video submitted by ‘Tay

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People like George Lucas have destroyed my ability to to trust what I see. I watch this amazing video, and I think, “this shit has to be CGI”. How could it not be??

But considering who’s making it, it doesn’t seem likely. Either way, the impossible happens. And the what these girls can do with basketballs is unreal. (ps - get your mind out of the gutter)

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Here’s a picture of Alien Boy (aka Sam Cassell) of the Celtics being worked on by his trainer Asian Midget Boy.

Really gives new meaning to the phrase “getting stretched out”.

What what in the butt.

Pic Submitted by Tay

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